The One True And Accurate Guide To British Political Parties

People in Britain are divided between the Red Party, the Blue Party and people who don’t like either. The main dividing line between the parties is that followers of the Red Party say ‘bath’ and followers of the Blue Party say ‘barth’. All subsequent policy differences stem from this fundamental linguistic division, as people who say ‘bath’ are more likely to live in small houses and follow football than people who say ‘barth’, while people who say ‘barth’ are more likely to have gone to university and to pretend to follow football than people who say ‘bath’. The ‘bath/barth’ division has dominated British politics since 1924.

People who do not like either Party do so for different reasons. The largest group (who support the Yellow Party) think that what matters is not how words are pronounced, but the manner in which they are uttered. They tend to argue that supporters of the Red and Blue parties are wrong to say ‘bath’ or ‘barth’ like this when they ought to say either like that. Supporters of the Yellow Party tend to like muesli or tractors but never both. Other parties include the Purple Party (who want to invade Belgium), the Whites Only Group (who hate people with dark skins and like to shave their heads – presumably to prove their whiteness) and the Green Party (who say ‘barth’ but also like trees and soft drugs). In addition, there are the Blue and White Party (who say ‘bath’ but are supported by people who would say ‘barth’ if they lived south of the wall and who want a divorce) and the Red and Green Party (who say ‘bath’ in an unusual way and who want a trial period of seperation but won’t comment on suggestions of divorce).

Finally there are the Northern Ireland Parties. They are divided over the correct position that a bowler hat should be worn in and used to shoot each other for reasons that make no sense.